Increase your happiness in a powerful way: Gratitude

Knock, knock. Who’s there? It’s gratitude!

One day, a few years ago, I was directed towards a challenge: I was asked to think about a person that had been kind and had done something beneficial for me, but that I had not thanked properly. I was told I could think far back into my life, but to think of someone who was still alive.

After reflecting for some time, I began to think about a high school teacher that had been particularly impactful for my life and my world view. I remembered how this teacher challenged my thinking and helped me remain true to myself and my opinions. He was for sure not part of the status quo; a man not afraid to shake it up and get in a little trouble while doing so.

So I wrote a letter that described the profound impact this teacher had on me and my history. I looked this person up and I found a university newspaper article from Ohio which was titled “He’s not your usual professor.” Before starting to read, I knew it was him. I wrote an e-mail and we establish contact.

Luckily enough, we were able to set up a meeting for dinner. I had my chance. I expressed openly and whole-heartedly the content of my letter. It was a highly emotional experience for me. I felt overwhelmed with gratitude and joy. The experience helped me realize that I had not been alone, not only as it related to this encounter but with many others in my life. There had always been individuals that had help guide my path, although I had not been aware of it at the time.

The man sitting in front of me, my teacher, seemed taken by what was going on. He responded by saying that he had no idea of the impact he had on my life. After seeing hundreds, if not thousands, of students in the previous eighteen years it could be difficult to discern who got the message and who did not. I hope he understood how his message transcended with me and is still with me in some shape or form.

This exercise I was challenged to complete is called “The Gratitude Visit.” If you feel up to it, maybe you can give it a try. Research has shown that this exercise provides a strong boost in happiness and a decrease in depressive symptoms after a person completes the exercise.

As a summary, the steps to follow are:

• Think of a person that is alive and that has done something positive for you. You have not thanked this person properly.
• Write a letter describing what the person did and how this has been beneficial for you. The letter could be about a page or page and a half.
• Contact the person and schedule a visit to deliver the letter and express its contents. Try to do this within one week if possible.
• Reflect on how this exercise made you feel.

Those in recovery from addiction are used to scheduling a time to admit their wrongs and “make amends.” That is an essential component of 12 step recovery. But reaching out to those that have been positively influential in our lives also seems a worthwhile effort that can contribute to our recovery and well-being.

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The Neglected Side of Step Four (of AA/NA) – Character Strengths

The 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous/Narcotics Anonymous (AA/NA) are not the only pathway to recovery. But for those that decide to take the journey, it will be known how the fourth step (Made a searching and moral inventory of ourselves) has built a reputation as one of the most spoken about in fellowship meetings, step study resources, conferences, and other AA/NA activities.

This reputation is also related to the perceived difficulty some members of 12 step fellowships have attributed to the fourth step. In this inventory, the person addresses issues related to resentments, fear, relationships, guilt, and shame; all areas that can prove challenging to a person in early recovery. It includes the identification of the role of the character defects.

A person in this state has traditionally coped with these difficult areas through the use of the substance and/or other unhealthy behaviors. Now in abstinence based recovery, the individual could be faced with emotions that are difficult to understand and to face in a newly found life of sobriety. Some could avoid reaching this point and many a self-esteem could be shaken.

The development of addiction itself could have been influenced by adverse childhood experiences, mental health conditions, and unhealthy family dynamics. At the same time, and through the progression of addiction, additional negative consequences can arise: worsening of mental health issues, additional traumatic experiences, relationship issues, etc. It could be easy for the person to forget or not recognize what is inherently good in them.

What about if more attention would be given to the person’s assets, positive traits, or character strengths? Could this shed some light to help individuals identify and recognize in themselves positive aspects of their personalities and their lives that could have easily been obscured by addiction? The Narcotics Anonymous Basic Text makes explicit reference to this point:

“Assets must also be considered, if we are to get an accurate and complete picture of ourselves. This is very difficult for most of us, because it is hard to accept that we have good qualities. However, we all have assets, many of them newly found in the program…”

One specific way in helping to achieve the identification of a person’s character strengths is through the use of the VIA Survey of Character Strengths ( www.viasurvey.org ). These character strengths are based on Petersen and Seligman’s (2004) Character Strengths and Virtues: A Handbook and Classification. In this classification, there are six human virtues that are common throughout cultures along with twenty-four character strengths.

Among the virtues and character strengths (character strengths in parenthesis) we can find wisdom (judgment, perspective), courage (honesty, bravery, perseverance), humanity (love, kindness), justice (fairness, teamwork), temperance (humility, self-regulation), and transcendence (gratitude, hope, spirituality). These character strengths are common topics of AA/NA culture.

“Character Strengths are the positive parts of your personality that impact how you think, feel and behave and are the keys to you being your best self…They are different than your other strengths, such as your unique skills, talents, interests and resources, because character strengths reflect the “real” you — who you are at your core.”

VIA Institute on Character

Through the use of the VIA Survey, a person can find the order of importance of their character strengths. The awareness of the existence of these character strengths, along with the practice of employing these strengths in new ways, can help a person overcome the emotional burden when coming face to face with the person’s defects of character. The awareness of our character strengths can also provide for a hopeful future when things are not looking too bright while realizing that there is good in me. You could see how this could be beneficial even if your pathway to recovery is not through the 12 steps.

You can access the free survey at www.viasurvey.org and expect to take about 15 minutes to complete it. If you are a clinician in the field, this can prove a great tool for many individuals that have difficulty in seeing the good in themselves.

The idea is not how one perspective is better than the other in regards to character strengths versus character defects, but how both supplement each other and could help individuals obtain a more balanced view of themselves and their histories with both virtues and difficult areas; the true nature of step four.

Do you know what your strengths are?

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